Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
You Might Also Like
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Cats are still liquid.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean