Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
he was correct
My whole life was a lie.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Accurate
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.