“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.