Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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don’t we all
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole