A small tragedy.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I have obtained a hat
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs