Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.