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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Please do it!
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
🍛
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.