Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it