Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Hey I worked for it too!
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
They got Raph!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.