me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
You Might Also Like
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I would like even faster food.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!