Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
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You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up