Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?