My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Not😆🤣
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger