Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
iPhone X
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec