excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad