My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up