The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
R.I.P.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly