you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.