i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
How does one answer this?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?