When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Hit me in the face with a bird
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control