It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Cheers Twitter.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!