[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
You Might Also Like
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.