Just so funny
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.