Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A customer told me they were never coming back….
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
That was easy.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
for all #parents out there
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy