The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Ape together strong
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
This is my emotional support knife.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it