[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Print is alive and well!!!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS