7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.