Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.