Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The asteroid..
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.