interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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So inspired right now.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again