i did the math
You Might Also Like
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?