My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.