Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”