The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.