girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
as is their right
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?