COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside