Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Yup….perfect score!
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.