Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Webb. James Webb.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today