You Might Also Like
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
2022 will be better than 2021
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
lol
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them