“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Catercrombie & Fish
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.