dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Am I having a stroke?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Mountain Goat : )
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
They must have gotten it to go.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face