An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit