Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Weirdos gonna weird.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
as is their right
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.