Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
TWEET CALL
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I don’t know what to do
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire