zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Natural selection at its finest
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.