A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.