Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.