“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’