awkward
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.