[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists